i have been all over this little vicinity of the country. my humble beginnings in a mispercieved empire to my own treasured two year lost weekend in orange county back to the spurned inland of pretenses. each a section of the book i’ve yet to complete of the course of my life, filled with experiences & moments equating to the person i am & becoming. i conquered each in my own way, getting everything i needed out of them before moving on to satisfy my conscious & unconscious exigenices of life. all my childhood needs to my desire to be free & reckless to my longing to be home & appreciate my ever-changing family before it grows completely up & apart.
& here i am in los angeles, starting a new chapter, exactly two years after i first moved home. older & wiser, i feel a resurfacing vigor bubbling inside my chest. my heart beating to a new & progressive beat. things are already changing, things are already getting better. i’m sitting in the back room of an echo park bungalow, listening to inspiring, incessant beats as one of my most esteemed friends plays trial & error with his guitar. my phone is ringing with opportunities. he is check checking & i am bobbing back & forth, recording this mundane inner monologue (that cannot give justice to the swelling of my heart) & visualizing the four outfits i need to bring to this shoot. the brush strokes of my blush. my doe eyes. my smirk. the camera lens & the pitch of my moan for my back up vocals on this heavenly melody. oh, to be apart of something again… something worth being apart of…
yet, the same heart that burns with excitment aches with a longing to be able to walk into my little sister’s room & tell her all about the silly escapades of saturday night. tell my mom not to make my salad for lunch so big as i proudly tell her about my triumphant final performace. all these things… it feels so good it hurts- it’s just like that in that mgmt song,
"i’ll miss the playgrounds & the animals and digging up worms
i’ll miss the comfort of my mother & the weight of the world
i’ll miss my sister, miss my father, miss my dog & my home.”
i could cry right now from all the happiness & all the change. & it feels good to know that i am finally coming to terms with my dorment sensitivity that separates the good actors from the bad ones. i don’t know how many people would take pride in being able to cry at the mere twang of pain but i do. i’m growing every day… growing up.
it’s scary but i know it’s right.
he had never read anything i wrote before. i’ve never shared my art with him although i am an active participant of his. he liked it & i feel validated. now we’re listening to the seeds & it’s just like the old days, only new.
it’s scary but it’s good.